How To Fail At Writing A CV

I’ve been preoccupied with writing my CV, being fresh out of school. So much wavering and stalling, for weeks. The angst and existential despair involved could produce two lengthy blog posts. Sigh.

So. I found some good resources online, and threatened/spurred myself with promises of watching a whole season of my favorite animation. I put on my headphones and dived into it.

Friends, there are things that should never happen in the vicinity of a CV. Here is a non-exhaustive list, with examples.

1. Unprofessional e-mail addresses: Remember back in the day when everyone was stoked about getting e-mail, rushing to the business centres / internet cafes? Yeah… And people just wanted e-mail addresses that would showcase their fun side:
demented_bovine@gnumail.com
so_kiss_me@hotmilk.com
platypus_mcdandruff@gnumail.com
busty-beth@gnumail.com
flockynockyhillipilification@gnumail.com
virgin_on_the_ridiculous@hotmilk.com
original_madcow_jane@gnumail.com
circle-of-despair@gnumail.com
rage_against_the_trolley_fish@mail.com
sexylikewoaaaah@hotmilk.com
No. No employer will call you back.

2. Mispelling the name of the company or the addressee.
application-form

3. Not including contact addresses, phone numbers or e-mail addresses. How are they supposed to reach you?

4. Not using a spell checker: Can you spot them all?
I would like a job in the servillian police.
I am a prefectionist and rarely if ever forget details.
Proven ability to track down and correct erors.
I have good writen comunication skills.
Lurnt Word Perfect computor and spreadsheet pogroms.
Develop an annual operating expense fudget.
Good custermer service skills.
I am death in my left ear.

5. Not proof reading your CV, therefore allowing these to happen:
Extra Circular Activities.
But I was not aloud to be captain.
At secondary school I was a prefix.
In my spare time I enjoy hiding my horse.
I hope to hear from you shorty.
Dear Madman (instead of Madam)
My hobbits include – instead of ‘hobbies’.
Restaurant skills: Severing customers.
I’m an accurate and rabid typist.
I was an administrator in a busty office.
Suspected to graduate early next year.
I want experience in a big sex practice. (O_o)

6. Using Comic Sans font: For some reason, this is really frowned upon. I was crushed to learn this. “But… It’s so cheerful, with actual fun handwriting!” Yes, which is apparently why using it is the kiss of death. Google “ban comic sans” and be amazed.

If you think of any others, leave them in the comments!


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